Films, TV and social media can sometimes make it seem as though being attracted to someone, falling in love and wanting sex all automatically go together. 

In real life, relationships and attraction can be much more varied. 

You can love someone deeply and not want sex. You can be attracted to somebody without wanting a relationship with them. You can enjoy intimacy without sex. And the amount of sex somebody wants can change throughout their life. 

There isn’t one “normal” way to experience relationships. 

Love, attraction and sex aren’t the same thing 

Romantic attraction and sexual attraction can overlap, but they don’t have to. 

Some people may experience romantic feelings for someone but little or no sexual attraction. For example, someone who is asexual may experience little or no sexual attraction, while still experiencing romantic attraction and wanting loving relationships. 

Asexuality is also a spectrum, meaning different people experience it in different ways. 

Other people may experience sexual attraction but simply have periods when they don’t feel like having sex. 

Why might somebody not want sex? 

Sexual desire can be affected by lots of things, including stress, tiredness, medication, hormones, physical or mental health, body confidence, relationship changes and simply how you’re feeling at that particular time. 

Sometimes there isn’t an obvious reason. 

Most importantly, being in a relationship doesn’t mean you owe somebody sex. 

Consent is needed every time, regardless of whether you’ve just started dating or have been together for years. 

Intimacy doesn’t have to mean sex 

There are lots of ways people can feel close to each other. 

That could mean kissing, cuddling, spending quality time together, holding hands, talking openly or showing affection in ways that feel comfortable for both people. 

What matters is that everyone involved feels respected and able to communicate their boundaries. 

Talk about how you feel 

If you and your partner want different things, talking openly can help. 

Try to avoid pressure or assumptions. Instead, you could talk about what intimacy means to each of you, what you’re comfortable with and what your boundaries are. 

And remember: your feelings about sex don’t have to look like anybody else’s. 

Whether you want sex often, occasionally, rarely or not at all, healthy relationships are built around communication, respect and consent – not expectations. 

Find more sexual health information and support from Suffolk Sexual Health Service